Free Suri!

We've been antsy since we learned the news in October, but the nation can relax at last. Our collective sympathy pains came to an end Tuesday as the Chosen One was born. Congrats to Tom Cruise and the Vessel on the birth of their daughter.

I drove to Los Angeles, but was denied access to the soundproofed birthing center at the Church of Scientology. (I failed to convince the security guards that I was one of Kirstie Alley's alternate personalities.) Still, I have various thoughts:

1. According to this article, the spokesperson said "both mother and daughter are doing well." The father, presumably, darted out of the facility to destroy a nearby Sofa Express.

2. My inside source tells me that baby Suri was outfitted in a pink blanket and matching frilly hat. So that song title applies after all. Tom Cruise and other fans of musicals, rejoice!

3. I'd like to be the first person to suggest a "Free Suri!" campaign. Those who tried to save the mother -- who's at least old enough to make choices, just barely -- should speak on behalf of someone truly helpless. I think that baby is being held captive. Sure, they may call it a crib, but it's still a set of bars.