"Ugh. This thing is like a marathon."

(What I said as I caught a little of the 10,000-meter race.)


And so concludes Brevity's coverage of these Beijing games.

My apologies to the ladies

This morning and afternoon, as I watched the Wimbledon men's final and napped through the rain delays (shut up! I'm on Pacific time and this sucker started at 6am), I noticed that my last post may have unintentionally slighted women, specifically those on the WTA tour:

"My generation has never seen a clay court specialist that was as good on grass as Nadal, nor a grass phenomenon that's as good on clay as Federer."

Well, that's not exactly true, is it? All that McEnroe/NBC coverage of Bjorn Borg circa 1980, while deserving, is still misleading: Borg was NOT the last tennis player to win both the French Open and Wimbledon in the same year. The following players have done it since then:

1982, 1984: Martina Navratilova
1988, 1995, 1996: Steffi Graf
2002: Serena Williams

I'm not trying to compare the strengths of, say, Federer vs. Graf. There's no way to know anything about that. But it's folly to say that this "double" of winning on clay and grass within that 6-week time frame is so elusive just because a man had not won it for 28 years. I realize that men's and women's tennis has traditionally been treated differently, but come on. The surfaces are the same regardless of gender.

Congratulations to Rafael Nadal for being the first in 6 years to join the real list.

A nation under the influence

... of The Worldwide Leader in Sports. Click to enlarge.


I captured this image because it tells me a lot about America's tastes during this Independence Day weekend. (Well, as much as statistics from small samples can tell you.)

1. Some areas vote out of regional interest. The Cubs-Cardinals series is a big deal in the Midwest, and sure enough, it claimed more than 50 percent of voters in that pocketful of purple states.

2. The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is a larger draw to Massachusetts (where it grabbed 60 percent of the vote) than to New York (45 percent). That the latter team is a joyous mess right now may have something to do with the poorer showing.

3. However, ESPN's constant and ridiculous promotion of this rivalry, even during the offseason, has made the world take notice. Sure, they prefer the Wimbledon men's final. But it got 38 percent of the vote to 33 percent for the Red Sox-Yankees.

4. Conversely, ESPN's coverage of Wimbledon has a strong effect on the U.S. populace, with the men's final* going neck and neck in many states with Red Sox-Yankees. (Even 37 percent of New Yorkers, also known as Mets fans, voted for Federer-Nadal.) But these large swaths of green may be misleading: the South didn't have a Braves option, and the West didn't get to vote for the Dodgers-Giants.

5. That all Williams-sister final? Not registering. I guess I'm guilty here, too; I never bothered to pick a favorite back when it all started. I will say that I'm impressed to see each of them maintain their singles title focus when they're still playing together toward a doubles title. We'll see how that doubles final goes Saturday -- after one has already beaten the other individually.

6. NASCAR did even worse here, but to be fair, "Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Daytona" isn't a rivalry. I'm aware of the family history, but an individual and a place cannot be rivals.

7. West Virginia is neutral territory, just like in the Civil War.

*By the way, I agree with the multitudes that are looking forward to Federer-Nadal because (despite the ESPN hype) it actually IS a big deal. My generation has never seen a clay court specialist that was as good on grass as Nadal, nor a grass phenomenon that's as good on clay as Federer. That each would be so doubly dominant were it not for the other makes for some keen drama. I'll root for the Spaniard, and haircuts for both.

Presidential all-stars

There's a special place in heaven where former U.S. Presidents get together. That's probably not surprising. But did you know that it's a basketball court?

The 2007 Presidents' Day All-Star Game
(sponsored by Philadelphia® brand cream cheese)

GRAND OLD TIMERS

Head Coach: Benjamin Franklin
Assistants: Alexander Hamilton, John Hancock, Jefferson Davis
Trainer: Clara Barton

Starters

Point Guard
James "Dolly Cart" Madison (5'4", Princeton)

Shooting Guard
Rutherford "B for Three" Hayes (5'8", Kenyon)

Small Forward
Grover "Nonconsecutive MVP" Cleveland (5'11", no college)

Power Forward
Chester "Cheetah" Arthur (6'2", Union)

Center
Abraham "Divider and Uniter" Lincoln (6'4", no college)

Reserves

James "Expansion" Polk (5'8" guard, North Carolina)
William "Tip-in" Harrison (5'8" guard, Hampden-Sydney) DNP-illness
Ulysses "The Odyssey" Grant (5'9" guard, Army)
James "Singleton" Buchanan (6'0" forward, Dickinson)
Andrew "Enforcer" Jackson (6'1" forward, no college)
George "Pops" Washington (6'2" forward, no college)
Thomas "White Chocolate" Jefferson (6'3" center, William and Mary)

Alternate (appointed by commissioner John Marshall)

James "The Doctrine" Monroe (6'0" forward, William and Mary)

20TH CENTURY FOXES

Head Coach: Thurgood Marshall
Assistants: Warren Burger, William Rehnquist, Louis Brandeis
Trainer: Jonas Salk

Starters

Point Guard
Harry "Buckstopper" Truman (5'9", no college)

Shooting Guard
Calvin "Silent Assassin" Coolidge (5'10", Amherst)

Third Guard
Theodore "Rough Rider" Roosevelt, Jr. (5'10", Harvard)

Power Forward
Ronald "Hollywood" Reagan (6'1", Eureka)

Center
Lyndon "Great Hoops Society" Johnson (6'3", Texas State)

Reserves

Dwight "Spike" Eisenhower (5'10" guard, Army) DNP-injury
Richard "Tricky" Nixon (5'11" guard, Whittier)
Herbert "Suction" Hoover (5'11" guard/forward, Stanford)
John "Playing Time 109" Kennedy (6'0" forward, Harvard)
Warren "Child Support" Harding (6'0" forward, Ohio Central)
William "Refrigerator" Taft (6'0" forward/center, Yale)
Franklin "Wheels" Roosevelt (6'2" center, Harvard)

Alternate (appointed by commissioner John Marshall)

Gerald "Wolverine" Ford (6'0" forward, Michigan)

Key Facts: Foxes reserve Richard Nixon leads the league in steals... The game will be played in the Teapot Dome for the first time since 1979... Al McGuire and Howard Cosell are the announcers... Former NBA star Tim Hardaway tells Miami press: "Based on what I heard, I wouldn't share a locker room with James Buchanan or Abe Lincoln"...

The NBA: it's Vegastic!

History is made this weekend -- no, not the BracketBusters again -- when the NBA brings its All-Star festivities to a non-franchise city, Las Vegas. The party league officially meets the party town. Yes, there's an influx of celebrity and tourism, but the event also brings a much needed hip-hop presence, and a lot more recreational activity than even this town is used to having in a single weekend:

Aladdin: Concerts with Nelly, Jermaine Dupri, Pharrell, Bow Wow, Chingy, Li'l Wayne, and T.I, plus appearances by Carmelo Anthony and actor/comedian Cedric the Entertainer.

Caesars Palace: Danity Kane performs in the Tangerine. At Pure, Nicky Hilton introduces her new fashion line, and engaged couple Tony Parker and Eva Longoria co-host a Saturday night event.

Empire Ballroom: This casino-less club across from the Monte Carlo offers parties hosted by LeBron James, actor/singer Jamie Foxx, and TNT commentator Kenny Smith.

Hard Rock: There's a performance by The Roots, and actor Nick Cannon hosts an old school hip-hop showcase. Charles Barkley hosts the official after-game party, while at Body English, Paris Hilton has her birthday celebration. Many diseases will be spread.

Ice Las Vegas: Allen Iverson and LeBron James headline the standalone club, and invite NFL players Terrell Owens and Michael Vick. Bring your own Sharpie.

Mandalay Bay: Dwyane Wade hosts a party at Rumjungle; also look for Twista, Ludacris, Shaquille O'Neal, and NFL stud LaDainian Tomlinson. At the House of Blues, there's music from Common and Ne-Yo, and comedy from Sarah Silverman and Charlie Murphy.

MGM Grand: The Black Eyed Peas perform at Tabu. Magic Johnson and actor LL Cool J host events at Studio 54.

Mirage: Follow party hosts Tracy McGrady and Lamar Odom at Jet, with Grandmaster Flash and Diddy. At Revolution Lounge, there's no basketball crossover when Mario "A.C. Slater" Lopez and Good Charlotte's Joel Madden host a Saturday event.

Orleans: The Black Eyed Peas (again) and comedian D.L. Hughley perform at the off-Strip casino, which usually attracts a Donny Osmond and Vicki Lawrence kind of crowd.

Palms: The "official host hotel" boasts Shaquille O'Neal and musical artists Akon, Diddy, and T.I.

Rio: Last night offered a kickoff party in VooDoo Lounge by a local All-Star, UNLV's own Shawn Marion. Prince performs in his Club 3121 all three nights this weekend.

Strip clubs aren't left out of the action. Dennis Rodman classes up Scores, I guess, while Sapphire has actor Tyrese Gibson. Finally, Seamless advertises "No celebrities. No players. Just hot chicks!" Well, the ones not trying to score an NBA player.

Despite the aforementioned flurry, I'll be avoiding the Strip. I'm not a big NBA follower -- the college game is more interesting and watchable -- and it doesn't help that the big sports story this week is the anti-gay tirade by Tim Hardaway, the last NBA player for whom I considered myself a big fan. Maybe he's still got "skillz," but I don't care for his homophobia, and I really don't care for his instant and meaningless apology.

Makes you wonder about the former Golden State Warriors player, though. What did the Bay Area ever do to Tim Hardaway?

55 Fiction Friday prefaces Monday's post with this:

Gerald Ford knew his chances were slim. Rookies rarely got selected, especially turnover prone players who lacked great individual stats.

Starters were more popular; reserves had more experience.
So he was stunned to be named a replacement by league commissioner John Marshall after Eisenhower went down.

Apparently, you can still tear knee ligaments in heaven.

When push comes to Shav

The pro sports world was mildly rocked with the news that retired NBA player John Amaechi will come out with a book in which he, um, comes out.

When retired athletes admit their sexuality, which is far too rare, there's always some criticism that they'd make a statement if they came out while still playing. What those critics fail to realize is that these athletes ARE making a statement by waiting until retirement. Essentially, they've decided that most pros are too small-minded to be ready for that announcement.

I don't know if Amaechi is saying that, but if he were, he wouldn't be wrong. Outsports has compiled a list of reactions from people in the league and the sports media. These quotes run the full range (rainbow?) from supportive to businesslike to dismissive to critical to ignorant. The best ones -- in a "did they really say that?" kind of way -- try to be supportive but end up sounding offensive, like this quote from former Duke player Shavlik Randolph:

"As long as you don't bring your gayness on me I'm fine. As far as business-wise, I'm sure I could play with him. But I think it would create a little awkwardness in the locker room."

Way to take a stand and represent the Duke blue, Shav. We save a little face thanks to Grant Hill:

"The fact that John has done this, maybe it will give others the comfort or confidence to come out as well, whether they are playing or retiring."

I searched the news in vain for a reaction from the even more quotable and diplomatic Shane Battier. Maybe he's working behind the scenes with Amaechi to develop some progressive grassroots support for the inevitable Battier presidential campaign.

Finally, a moderate kudos go to ESPN Books, which publishes Amaechi's book later this month. I realize that their decision isn't entirely altruistic -- sports books probably sell better when there's social controversy -- but they deserve some credit for looking past sports historians and die-hard fans in pursuing new audiences.

55 Fiction Friday thinks most locker room activity is kinda gay.

How could those Internet forum members burn me like that? After years of providing helpful information, some brash newcomers started casually dismissing me.

I posted my retaliatory missive, careful not to say anything personal that would get me banned. And then I waited.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

Nothing! Man, it's hard to deal with online anger.

Driving around in circles

I missed the ACC tournament final and all of Selection Sunday, but I had a good excuse. As part of some auction package, my sister had tickets to attend the UAW DaimlerChrysler 400 at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway, and brought me along. Despite growing up in NASCAR country, this was our first experience with the sport.

Admittedly, it was an atypical NASCAR experience: our admission included VIP parking passes and seating in an enclosed skybox suite, complete with couches, catered meals, and its own set of bathrooms. (We are such event snobs.) The televisions offered only a closed circuit broadcast, so watching basketball was impossible. We claimed a table and killed time before the race by reading; I brought this book with me.

Conditions were ideal. Rain was threatened but never materialized, and only the mountains got snow. I found an alternate route to the speedway, so we avoided all that debilitating traffic before and after the event. And did I mention the bathrooms?

My sister, who is not a sports fan, once attended the Masters golf tournament as a guest in the Augusta National clubhouse. She was surprised to learn that its members, old rich men with all access, were content to sit around and watch the CBS broadcast. But here the 30 or so people sharing the large suite were young, active, and vocal racing fans. They had their favorite drivers, but united in booing Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart, who polarize racing fans for very different reasons.

As the name indicates, the race is 400 miles, or 267 laps around a 1.5 mile track. At an average speed of 133 mph, the race would last about 3 hours. People get very excited at the beginning and the end, but the 200 laps in the middle create a time to socialize. For many fans, this means drinking. (Incidentally, the concessions stop serving alcohol when there's only 25 laps to go.) Our suites served alcohol as well, but I stuck with soda and concentrated on the Asian themed lunch offerings: Chinese chicken salad, cold dragon noodles, fried rice, steamed bok choy, and Mongolian marinated breasts of chicken. Oh, and the excellent banana chocolate chip cake. Because nothing says NASCAR like fine dining.

As it turned out, the race provided some excitement. No crashes, fortunately, but a mishap for the Target car (hello, you have a bullseye on your hood) and a flat tire on Tony Stewart's car late in the race, which prompted sadistic cheering. Then a late surge by defending champ Jimmie Johnson created some drama for Matt Kenseth, who'd held a safe lead for nearly 150 laps. It came down to the final turn, and Johnson pulled ahead in a photo finish.

So, NASCAR: better than I expected. Under similar circumstances I'd go again, but I'm not ready for general admission, and I'm sure as heck not interested enough to watch it on television.

Little girls in pretty boxes

Congratulations to Shizuka Arakawa for winning the women's figure skating competition at the Winter Olympics. As if the pressures of body image and fame weren't enough, she managed to defeat the sentimental favorites of the NBC Sports propaganda machine, and represent all of Japan in the medal count.

I watched her skate Thursday night because I'd already read she won. But I can't help but feel like I'm supporting an event that thinks so much and so little of girls. The commentators seemed eager to characterize any kind of growth spurt or curvature with derision. At times I wasn't sure if the skaters were competing to become a gold medalist or Harrison Ford's next girlfriend.

The title above refers to this book, which I read years ago, and the subsequent Lifetime TV movie. In gymnastics and figure skating, coaches and parents force teenage girls to be something they're not: prepubescent boys. Stunted development and eating disorders abound. Interesting but depressing subject matter.

55 Fiction Friday says eat more food and take up hockey.

Even if the seminar were not so boring, he doubted he could stop watching her. She asked questions with such a soft and warm voice, never disrupting the presenter's flow. He wished they could share a private moment and dispense with formalities.

Unfortunately, she was busiest during breaks, refilling coffee cups and collecting empty dishes.

Sport or competition?

Despite what my creative writing might indicate, I haven't been watching the Winter Olympics. I saw about 30 minutes of ice dancing Sunday night, sticking with it only because the couples kept falling down. Hilarious!

Ice dancing is like ballroom dancing, except the costumes are thinner and include skates. The comparison is appropriate -- even though there are no Olympic medals awarded for ballroom dancing -- because neither is a sport. Sure, they require fitness, training, and a mix of born talent and learned skill, as do sports. But they're not sports; they're competitions.

What separates the two? Sports have two main distinctions:

1. Objective outcomes. Sporting results are defined and ruled by numerical superiority; winners kick or shoot the most goals, score the most points, hit the most runs, throw something the greatest distance, reach the finish line fastest, etc. While there is officiating in some sports, it exists mostly to enforce rules, not to determine the outcome.

Competitions like ice dancing, ballroom dancing, figure skating, and gymnastics, however, are judged subjectively. Sure, there may be general criteria, and the best judges have well-trained eyes and can break a performance down to a science, but it's still a personal science. Also competitions: boxing and diving.

2. No diva behavior. Based on its female operatic roots, "diva" is a term generally reserved for women, but I think the term applies to men as well. Sure, Elton John and Johnny Weir are divas, but so are Kanye West and Bode Miller. Divas are to be expected and even encouraged in competitions, but they have no place in sport. Prime example: Terrell Owens is a diva in football, and look where it's gotten him.

The two main attractions on TV tonight are competitions: women's figure skating and women's finalists on American Idol. Should you watch either, don't be surprised if a competitor embraces divahood to distinguish herself, or at least gets described that way.

By making these distinctions, I realize that I'm classifying NASCAR, golf, and bowling as sports. I'm okay with that. I'm not suggesting that a sport requires more athletic ability than a competition; I'm just pointing out an easy way to separate sports from all other competitive events.

Comments and exceptions to the rule are welcome.

Vaya para el oro

(Translate it here.)

Watching the Olympics? Tired of that NBC commentary? Then flip to Telemundo. For once, corporate synergy comes in handy.

55 Fiction Friday misses Eddie the Eagle.

"She let his fingers spin along her thigh, breathlessly
awaiting his triple salchow..."

Scratch that.

"She had curves that would make a man weep, with
the rear end of a gold medal speedskater."

No.

"His tongue glided across her teeth haphazardly, like
a non-qualifier at luge..."

Man, these Winter Games are messing up my erotica.