Monday, February 19, 2007

Presidential all-stars

There's a special place in heaven where former U.S. Presidents get together. That's probably not surprising. But did you know that it's a basketball court?

The 2007 Presidents' Day All-Star Game
(sponsored by Philadelphia® brand cream cheese)

GRAND OLD TIMERS

Head Coach: Benjamin Franklin

Assistants: Alexander Hamilton, John Hancock, Jefferson Davis
Trainer: Clara Barton

Starters

Point Guard
James "Dolly Cart" Madison (5'4", Princeton)

Shooting Guard
Rutherford "B for Three" Hayes (5'8", Kenyon)

Small Forward
Grover "Nonconsecutive MVP" Cleveland (5'11", no college)

Power Forward
Chester "Cheetah" Arthur (6'2", Union)

Center
Abraham "Divider and Uniter" Lincoln (6'4", no college)

Reserves

James "Expansion" Polk (5'8" guard, North Carolina)
William "Tip-in" Harrison (5'8" guard, Hampden-Sydney) DNP-illness
Ulysses "The Odyssey" Grant (5'9" guard, Army)
James "Singleton" Buchanan (6'0" forward, Dickinson)
Andrew "Enforcer" Jackson (6'1" forward, no college)
George "Pops" Washington (6'2" forward, no college)
Thomas "White Chocolate" Jefferson (6'3" center, William and Mary)

Alternate (appointed by commissioner John Marshall)

James "The Doctrine" Monroe (6'0" forward, William and Mary)

20TH CENTURY FOXES

Head Coach: Thurgood Marshall
Assistants: Warren Burger, William Rehnquist, Louis Brandeis
Trainer: Jonas Salk

Starters

Point Guard
Harry "Buckstopper" Truman (5'9", no college)

Shooting Guard
Calvin "Silent Assassin" Coolidge (5'10", Amherst)

Third Guard
Theodore "Rough Rider" Roosevelt, Jr. (5'10", Harvard)

Power Forward
Ronald "Hollywood" Reagan (6'1", Eureka)

Center
Lyndon "Great Hoops Society" Johnson (6'3", Texas State)

Reserves

Dwight "Spike" Eisenhower (5'10" guard, Army) DNP-injury
Richard "Tricky" Nixon (5'11" guard, Whittier)
Herbert "Suction" Hoover (5'11" guard/forward, Stanford)
John "Playing Time 109" Kennedy (6'0" forward, Harvard)
Warren "Child Support" Harding (6'0" forward, Ohio Central)
William "Refrigerator" Taft (6'0" forward/center, Yale)
Franklin "Wheels" Roosevelt (6'2" center, Harvard)

Alternate (appointed by commissioner John Marshall)

Gerald "Wolverine" Ford (6'0" forward, Michigan)

Key Facts: Foxes reserve Richard Nixon leads the league in steals... The game will be played in the Teapot Dome for the first time since 1979... Al McGuire and Howard Cosell are the announcers... Former NBA star Tim Hardaway tells Miami press: "Based on what I heard, I wouldn't share a locker room with James Buchanan or Abe Lincoln"...

11 comments:

Quinn said...

Well done.

But who would win in an air hockey match between Ben Frankin and Jimi Hendrix?

Phantom Scribbler said...

Was that 6'0 for Taft a vertical measurement, or a diameter?

Neel Mehta said...

Quinn: I had to look up the reference. Maybe I'll make this an annual thing with other sports. You know, give the Adamses a chance to play.

Phantom: The Fridge is big all around!

K-Lyn said...

So, in my native tongue (baseball of course) would Ford be the DH?

Neel Mehta said...

Uh, no. Didn't you read the last 55 Fiction?

In the NBA All-Star game, each squad has 12 players: 5 starters selected by the fans, and 7 reserves selected by the coaches. If any of these players are injured or otherwise unable to play, the league commissioner selects a replacement. This is how Monroe and Ford made their teams.

Quinn said...

Harrison DNP. Awesome.

K-Lyn said...

NBA = Greek

Except that I care more about Greek stuff. Mostly falafel. But I digress.

I'm going to need serious help in my March Madness picks. As in, you need to pick them and if I (we) win anything we'll split it.

Now I don't suppose anyone wants to talk about the NHL GMs changing the instigator rule? anyone? Bueller?

Andy said...

Brilliant.

Ookami Snow said...

Which of the President's wives made the cheer leading squads?

Neel Mehta said...

Quinn: Thanks for noticing. Almost as much research went into this as did The History of Psychiatry.

K-lyn: When the brackets come out, we'll be talking.

Andy: Thanks!

Ookami Snow: Cheerleaders? I thought about putting Eleanor and Nancy IN THE GAME. But then I remembered that Nancy only looks dead.

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

My Favorites:

Thomas "White Chocolate" Jefferson and
John "Playing time 109" Kennedy!