Monday, August 07, 2006

August's fictional speaker

For the twelfth and possibly final installment of the Fictional Speaker Series, we here at Brevity noticed that our speaker list has never included a lawyer. This is unacceptable. The practice of law can be an important part of good business. How do you think law firms stay afloat? Enthusiastic billing, maybe, but also strong leadership. And for that, we turn to Richard Fish of Ally McBeal.

Richard Fish on priorities: Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism.

On professional responsibility: Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.

On adverse verdicts: Let the record show: dammit.

On lay opinions: Is that the two cents? I'd be looking for change.

On the bottom line: Piles and piles of money. If I help some along the way, great, but mainly I'm in this for the piles, heaps, the really big piles.

On inter-office romances: Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship.

On pro bono cases: Helping others is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self-interest.

On administering justice: Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!

On self-evaluation: You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.

On compassion: It's not my style to care about others, but what's going on?

On obstacles: "Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge.

On legal instincts: Never trust second thoughts. Next thing you know there'll be a third and a fourth... you'll be thinking forever!

On communication: I couldn't help but overhear, probably because I was eavesdropping.

On employee retention: New firm policy, listen up! Anybody who sues this firm or me personally, we all drop whatever cases we are working on. We devote all of our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life. Are we clear? I don't want to stop short with just getting even. Retribution is not strong enough. Ruin, that is the goal. Irreversible, irreparable, irrational ruin! New firm policy!

On staying on point: I'm nothing if not redundant! I also repeat myself.

On honest approaches: For whatever reason, people would never trust me, so I started being unscrupulous on purpose, and that way, I felt in control of people's reactions.

On dispute resolution: I can't do anything about it, but I'd be happy to sympathize.

On moral relativism: I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want to be rich, you better get the money before the scruples set in.

On answering questions: Quiet! Let me ignore you one at a time.

4 comments:

Quinn said...

I miss Fish. Bygones.

K-Lyn said...

I miss the show. The only one I watched jump the shark TWICE.

Janelle Renee said...

Never trust second thoughts. Next thing you know there'll be a third and a fourth... you'll be thinking forever!

I like this quote. I need a good tag line under my blog title. I'm stealing it.

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