April's fictional speaker

We here at Brevity thought we'd bring in a real fool to celebrate April Fool's Day as the newest fictional speaker. After being informed that President Bush was not fictional, we decided upon Derek Zoolander. You know, from Zoolander. We didn't think we would get him, but he's taking a leave of absence from the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Oh sure, he's perfect for Brevity.

Derek Zoolander on ambition: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

On knowing your limits: I'm not an ambi-turner.

On animal testing: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.

On forecasting trends: You can read minds?

On office romance: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman."

On allocating day care space: What is this? A center for ants? How are we expected to teach the kids to read good... if they can't even fit inside the building?

On male colleagues: And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.

On workplace accidents: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

On the executive washroom: Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

* * *

Truth be told, Derek Zoolander didn't have a lot of helpful advice. So we turned the microphone over to Hansel. He's so hot right now.

Hansel on role playing: Taste my pain, bitch!

On labels: I hear words like "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity that I don't buy into.

On the environment: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree.

On brown-nosing: I friggin' worship you, man.

On facing your fears: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip. And I'm just falling, terrified and then I think, "Hey, Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"

On sales orders made online: They're IN the computer?

On inspirations: Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years... I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that.

On unorthodox ideas: You is talking loco and I like it!

On personal integrity: I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.