Monday, January 30, 2006

January's fictional speaker

The first fictional speaker of 2006 was the source of much debate here at Brevity. Due to recent events, we were leaning toward James Frey, but then we'd be forced to read his "memoir" A Million Little Pieces, and abandon our strict no-Oprah-book policy. So we settled on Eric Cartman of South Park instead.

We here at Brevity realize that a fictional speaker is usually featured at the beginning of the each month, so we apologize to our readers. We could explain the long delay by saying that he was snowed in, but that would be a lie. Like a big, disastrous James Frey lie. The truth is that it took us this long to cut out all his foul language. Well, most of it. (Again, we apologize to our readers.)

Eric Cartman on challenging an employee: I'm just saying you're a little wuss, that's all.

On company protestors: Hippies. They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

On office aerobics: This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.

On the ADA: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement.

On the training video: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

On role playing exercises: Well, I've been licking this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.

On modern cinema: Independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

On workplace insults: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus.

On advertising: I've learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

On body image: I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.

On cubicles: Poor people tend to live in clusters.

On forced retirement: Okay, old people need to be quiet now.

On annual banquets: So, am I to understand that there will be no side dishes tonight?

On compassionate leadership: Respect my authori-tay.

On flu season: Lay off the cough syrup, dude. I'm worried about you.

On harassment: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

On company softball: At this point in the movie, they usually get a really sweet player to help them win the championship.

On appreciating others: I love you guys... eh, screw you guys.

On the new cafeteria policy: I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.

On the holidays: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.

On setting an example: Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof.

On honesty: You just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.

On fringe benefits: Never underestimate the power of a free hat.

On office birthday parties: Gimme that cake.

On encouraging others: You guys are hella stupid.

On public relations: I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television.

On environmental responsibility: Dolphins, Eskimos, it's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

On desk decorations: In hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them.

On office humor: OK, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.

1 comment:

bdure said...

Is there any pudding in Brokeback Mountain? I wonder if Cartman was ahead of his time.