Thursday, December 08, 2005

December's fictional speaker

We here at Brevity are enjoying the laziness that comes with holiday hours, and only half-apologize for the weeklong delay. We had a strong turnout for last month's fictional speaker, Jimmy James, and thought we shouldn't mess with a good thing. So we've invited another NBC sitcom character... one with breasts. This month's fictional speaker is Karen Walker from Will & Grace.

Karen Walker on pressure: Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning.

On character dissection: Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearing.

On professionalism: Hey, this is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it!

On office humor: By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but... no.

On vulgarity: Watch your mouth, or I'll wash it out with cheap vodka.

On standing firm: If I gave in to every persuasive argument, I'd be in some crazy three-way marriage with Maury Povich and Connie Chung!

On casual Fridays: Who ever told you that you could pull off a leather jumpsuit?

On meeting rivals: Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powdered, lipsticked, Gucci'd and dragged in.

On personal responsibility: It's not something you can just run away from, like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

On charity: Let's take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person.

On working mothers: Oh, kids ruin everything. I mean, look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.


On regrets: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything. You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."


On animal rights: You know, maybe there's an alligator running around with me as a handbag. I mean, who knows what they do with my old skin?

On volunteering: Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to.

On cleanliness: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

On second thoughts: Oh, coulda shoulda prada!

On previous employment: It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girl says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay. How about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?"

On creative accounting: It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency.

On workplace diversity: No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down, landing on a gay guy... and ya did him. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

On empathy: You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams. Well, that's not sad as much as it is extremely funny.

On company slogans: Oh honey, that's just a saying, like "Ooh, that sounds like fun" or "I love you."

On brainstorming: My head is spinning. and not in a good way.

On sponsoring the arts: Honey, I don't produce theatre. I AM theatre.


On unions: It's a cult, like the Moonies, or the homeless.

On business alliances: Oh, honey. You're simple, you're shallow and you're a common whore. That's why we're soul mates.

On company spending: I'd give you a credit card, but I used my AmEx to hit a face I didn't like.

On personal differences: You say potato, I say vodka.

On community outreach: How the hell am I ever gonna get the stench of landfill and working class families out of tropical lightweight wool?

On office romances: I thought, "Finally! A man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman."

On therapy: My shrink? Honey, I just go to my shrink for refills.

On personal goals: You know, I had a dream once. To be rich and beautiful and have a great body. Oh look, my dream came true.

On arrogance: Well, don't let it get to your head. Your hair is already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn't give it coffee.

On power lunches: Honey, I just finished drinking breakfast. You've got to give the liver a little time to digest.

On workplace injuries: How did you hurt your back? Running away from good taste?

On spousal benefits: Well, howdy, domestic pardner.

On self-esteem: I've got a lifetime membership to the losers club. I've been dumped by one-ton billionaires, heads of state, and every member of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, but I'm not naming names.

On job descriptions: Honey, I often ask people on my staff to do different things. Cook sometimes cleans. Cleaner sometimes cooks. Driver sometimes provides an alibi.

On industry conventions: Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000, but the drinks are free, so it evens out!

On the holidays: It's Christmas, for goodness' sake. Think about the baby Jesus: up in that tower, letting his hair down, so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there are six more weeks of winter.

5 comments:

cg-c said...

HA! Much entertainment gleaned. Thanks!

Angry Pregnant Lawyer said...

Is that show still good? I haven't watched it in years.

Neel Mehta said...

I saw the first few episodes this season -- they found some new ways to mercilessly mock Tom Cruise, but other than that, eh.

Now, when combined with the photo from this post, I have all 4 characters from the show in a photo on this blog. Will, Jack, Karen, and Rosario. Yep, that's all of them.

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vaginas said...

The guy is totally just, and there is no skepticism.