Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Downey, Spader, and the Chateau

Finally, a funny link that encourages active participation.

It starts with this article in the Los Angeles Times, a recent interview with once-troubled actor Robert Downey Jr. Scroll to the bottom to read a tidbit about the actor's Hollywood beginnings, staying at the Chateau Marmont with James Spader.

For some reason, the gossip and celebrity criticism blog Defamer finds this information to be a comedy gold mine, given the bad boy pasts of the two actors and the hotel's sordid history. In this entry Defamer attempts to fill in the blanks of what might have happened back then, and suggests that others try to do the same in a manner much like that tacky joke in The Aristocrats.

Indeed, the author of a blog called The Crime Spree has already contributed his version. The rules are simple. Start the story with "So there I was at the Chateau Marmont with 17-year-old Robert Downey, Jr. and Jimmy Spader." End the story with "Hey, that's drugs." Write what you like in between.

Here's my attempt.

So there I was at the Chateau Marmont with a 17-year-old Robert Downey, Jr. and Jimmy Spader. We're coked out of our minds and are throwing darts across the room at a poster of Phoebe Cates that Jimmy's put up on the door. We run out of darts but are temporarily incapacitated: I'm wedged between a pair of twin mattresses, Bobby's got blisters on his feet from dancing on the ledge that afternoon, and Jimmy can't even stand up without enduring a hellacious headrush. I'm about to break a few empty bottles of Lowenbrau so we can have something sharp, but then Jimmy finds a garbage bag by the couch full of old hypodermic needles. He tosses a few to Bobby and me and we keep playing. My throw is so far off the mark that when Bobby takes his turn, he's still laughing his head off and doesn't notice someone's opening the door. So Bobby throws his long-ass needle, and it sails straight through the hand of a very surprised Jon Cryer, who had a room down the hall. So Jon's looking at his impaled hand and screaming, and I hear Jimmy yelling out the window, hoping someone down in the courtyard will come up to help. Bobby's still laughing like a maniac and the sight of Jon's blood has made me pass out. To this day Jon's got to wear flesh-colored makeup to hide the giant scar, and he won't even talk to us. Hey, that's drugs.


Angry Pregnant Lawyer said...

That. Is. Awesome.

Still have a softspot in my heart for both Downey and Spader. Adolescent crushes die hard, I guess.

K-Lyn said...

I agree APL...I still get twinges when I see a recent publicity shot. But I could never put the really bad boys on my laminated list. Depp and Cusack win out over Downey Jr and Spader even though I feel silmilarly about them all.

N, I contemplated accepting the assignment for about two seconds even though I am not a writer. Then I read yours. I bow down to the master. Quite masterful.

Have you seen the Aristocrats?

Neel Mehta said...

APL: thanks. Downey's got a lot of hard life in his face now. Spader's bloated, but still snob-funny as hell.

K-Lyn: you should still give the story a try. As far as I know there are only 3 versions out there so far, and this kind of thing needs momentum.

I have not seen The Aristocrats, nor do I plan to. I explain why here, in a comment on APL's blog.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to compliment your story. Dude, that's hilarious. I hope this catches on. I would love to read more accounts of The Chateau Scenario. heh heh.

Neel Mehta said...

It's not catching on quite like I imagined, but another version of the story (cleverly fashioned as Spader's Emmy speech) is here.