Jedi counsel

Non-legal career alternatives are so not me. It's time to inch closer to reality by examining some jobs in the legal field. The following are at the top of my wish list, but they're not as easy to find as they used to be.

1. Jedi counsel. Okay, the Sith would probably offer more, but then I'd be traveling all the time. So I could settle for less money and work as in-house counsel for the Jedi on Coruscant. The job mostly requires a read-through of apprenticeship contracts, and rearranging whatever it is Yoda is saying. Also, I would get to attend the meetings, but I'd have to hide behind this guy.

2. Patent attorney, torture device department. This is an uphill climb to begin with because I didn't major in a science during college. But if I worked my way through it, and this were the Middle Ages, there'd be a lot of devices deserving of a patent application. Like the thumbscrews, or the iron maiden. And of course, the patent application for this should sail through, because nobody withstands The Machine. (Could use a better name, but that's really a trademark problem.)

3. Defender of witches. Talk about guilt by association. An angry mob would kill me about 10 minutes after the first case I win.

4. Frontier justice. Step on a crack, shoot you in the back. Seems simple enough. And you never see a courtroom in a Western, so I could keep my own hours. I would imagine the robe getting dusty, and I'd keep having to explain to people that I'm not that kind of Injun. Worst of all, because jails weren't all that secure back then, I'm pretty sure a convict would seek revenge against me.

5. Consigliere. I would have been outstanding in this capacity about 20 or so years ago, when jobs like this were still around. I'm all about family honor and codes of silence. Unfortunately, as organized crime has died down, so have opportunities to advise its participants. And you know the few remaining jobs go to the real gunners in law school.