Celebrity trial update!

While enduring the pain of watching the Fox News Channel and doing abdominal exercises last Saturday, I learned two things:

1. Neither Fox News nor my workout regimen seems fair and balanced.

2. Michael Jackson plans to call Chris Tucker (click it, it's a good mug shot) as a witness in his defense this week.

I started wondering what might happen when the prosecutor cross-examines the actor. It might be funny if he peppered his responses with some of his movie lines. (This is the kind of post you might expect over at this blog, and I considered giving its authors my idea, but then I decided that if I actually have content on a Monday, I should use it.)

PROSECUTION: State your name for the record, please.

CHRIS TUCKER: Christopher Tucker.

FEMALE JURORS: Ooooh...

CT: Quiver ladies, quiver.

P: Do you know the defendant, Michael Jackson?

CT: What's up Big Perm?... I mean, Big Worm.

P: Please answer the question.

CT: Yes.

P: Would you consider Mr. Jackson to be a family man?

CT: Of course.

P: Do you see his kids over there in the gallery?

CT: Why don't you tell your daddy to comb his damn hair, look like some spiders is having a meetin' on his head.

DEFENSE: Objection!

CT: I'm sorry.

P: Mr. Tucker, is your testimony today freely given?

CT: Excuse me?

P: Has anyone influenced or coached you as a witness?

CT: I've been smokin' ever since I was two.

P: Seriously?

CT: No, I'm just playin'.

P: Are you trying to confuse us, Mr. Tucker?

CT: I'm Michael Jackson, you Tito. Your ass belongs to me.

P: That was a joke, right? Let's get back on point.

CT: Okay.

P: Did you know the accuser and his family?

CT: Ouch!

P: What is it?

CT: Which one of y'all kicked me?

JUDGE: Oh, sorry.

CT: Daaamn! Yeah, I knew the accuser. His family tried to take advantage of me, but I wouldn't have it.

P: Do you have a position on fans who want money from you?

D: Objection!

CT: I don't want one position, I want all positions!

P: Excuse me?

CT: I'm willing to spend some time with my fans, but it doesn't go further. (coughs)

P: Would you like some water, Mr. Tucker?

CT: Yes, please. Got any sugar?

P: Sorry, no.

CT: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either ya got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn.

D: Objection!

P: Now, Mr. Tucker, did you ever see the accuser when you visited Neverland Ranch?

CT: Yes, I think I did. I've been there a few times, so I can't be sure.

P: But you saw the accuser there, is that correct?

CT: Yeah, I think so.

P: So you say that you and the accuser were both there.

CT: That's what I said.

P: Could you say it with absolute certainty?

CT: Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

D: Your honor, objection!

CT: What's wrong with you? What you screamin' for? Every 5 minutes there's somethin', a bomb or somethin'. I'm leavin'. Bzzzz.