Unfrozen caveman demographic

On the eve of this 2008 election, I am very curious to see one thing (aside from the results): the senior citizen turnout. I've been thinking about it a lot in the past few months. Historically, this age group, rapidly expanding in range and overall number, can be counted on to vote in high percentages. But what happens when their main choices advertise themselves as the Democratic Candidate for Change and the Republican Candidate for Change? Where does that leave the (large) portion of the electorate that is most resistant to change?

Last summer my father's Medicare provider switched to Humana, and we attended an introductory seminar. Despite the company's repeated assurances that nothing would change, at least for the rest of the year, you could tell from their continued line of questions that the audience members felt alarmed and betrayed by the company switch. (We kept quiet.) Just receiving an insurance card with a new company name on it made them extremely nervous. So they attended these meetings and had their questions addressed, but were still uneasy.

Now, these seniors may be as representative of their age group as I am of mine -- which is to say, not very much -- but they inspired me to think a little about how both major party candidates may very well scare the crap out of them. They don't want change. Not even a little bit. Change confuses and frightens them. They are the Unfrozen Caveman demographic, trapped in a mindset of an earlier time we can't revisit: definitely concerned, probably intelligent, not always well-informed. Most will vote according to established party affiliation, but they can't feel as included this time.

I suspect the big story this week -- other than the winners -- is the intertwined successes of the youth movement and the early voting period in many states. And maybe that deserves to be the big story, if it happens. But I think it's also important to see if the senior vote was not as reliable this year because they were taken for granted, and if the losing candidate will see that exclusion as a campaign misstep.

One month absence

Sorry about that. Creativity levels have been down -- really for more than a month, if you've noticed recent posts. I'm going to have to force myself back into writing.

Early voting started in Nevada yesterday. I waited a day to avoid the long lines and am now civic duty-free. I could post one of those "I Voted" stickers, but instead I'll just ask you to click over to this 2006 entry and change the voting date in your minds.

The best thing about early voting? Now I can, in good conscience, pay NO attention to any campaign commercial, mailing, lawn sign, or phone call I may encounter in the next 16 days. (I was ignoring all of that before today as well, just not in good conscience.)

In other news, while only a casual baseball fan, I find myself pleased with a Phillies-Rays series.* As should you. If free agency has made you lose some interest in baseball, take a look at how well a pair of mostly homegrown teams can perform. Ryan Howard, Pat Burrell, Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and NLCS MVP Cole Hamels have played their entire major league careers in Philadelphia. A similar list for Tampa Bay would be even longer; they have the second cheapest payroll in the majors. (The Phillies are 13th overall, but in their defense, they've paid to keep their stars.)

It's just nice to see that teams can succeed by developing the talent within the organization rather than spending top dollar on outside (read: mercenary) talent. The New York Yankees are of course guilty of this -- unless you grew up loving them, you cannot possibly root for them -- but the Boston Red Sox have become equally culpable. While I did not derive that much pleasure from seeing them lose tonight, I was still a bit relieved. To me, they may be eternally entitled to a chip on their collective shoulder, but they gave up any kind of lovable underdog status in 2006, when they spent over $100 million to acquire and sign Daisuke Matsuzaka.

*Sure, it would have been nice to see the Cubs in it, as 100 years is a nice round number, but no one can explain what happened there.

Flags of our founding fathers

I don't have HBO -- if you don't care for Entourage, what's the point? -- so I finally got around to seeing the 7-part John Adams miniseries on DVD. I commend Tom Hanks and other, less famous producers for getting this remarkable story filmed and given the appropriate running time. Also appreciated: its accessibility to today's audiences.

Truth be told, though, the filmmakers could have gone the extra mile to make it even more modern. I waited in vain to hear actor Paul Giamatti say any of the following statements:

1. "Calm down, cousin Sam, and go back to your brewpub."

2. "Do not make me clench this pamphlet and smack some common sense unto YOU, Mr. Paine!"

3. "A late dinner will not be necessary, Abigail. I shall partake of the local Boston Market."

4. "Mr. Jefferson, the Declaration Committee would advise the removal of the words sacred and undeniable to describe these truths. Also of concern to us: your phrase always bet on black."

5. "I feel that I may suffer a cramp from signing my name in such a small space. No thanks to Mr. Hancock, that pompous, preening jackass."

6. "Fellow citizens, I regret that the First Lady and I shall be leaving Philadelphia for a new home in Washington City. Abigail praises your civility, and I have a great admiration for your cream cheese."

7. "Young John Quincy, you are the son of a President and have the makings of a President yourself. So remember this: do not go amongst the people and say 'Mission Accomplished' unless you truly mean it."

If you believe that other historically significant quotes were also left out of this miniseries, now is the time (and here is the place) to comment upon them.

Born into Bothell

Next Wednesday (April 11) has been proclaimed "Blake Lewis Day" in the city of Bothell, located 12 miles northeast of Seattle. For those only vaguely familiar with American Idol, Blake Lewis is the guy who majors in current pop songs and minors in scatting.

I thought it would be nice to reprint the proclamation.

WHEREAS, the City of Bothell supports all its citizens in the pursuit of fulfilling their dreams and achieving success; and

WHEREAS, the television show, American Idol, is watched weekly by millions of Americans; and

WHEREAS, thousands of young talented men and women audition to become a contestant on American Idol; and

WHEREAS, from the thousands of auditions, only twenty-four are selected as contestants to begin a grueling competition; and

WHEREAS, Blake Lewis, a citizen of Bothell, was not only selected as a contestant but was also chosen to compete as a Top 12 Finalist for the opportunity to become the first American Idol from Washington State; and

WHEREAS, Blake Lewis has brought positive community spirit to Bothell by sharing his talent and ambition with the world.

NOW, THEREFORE, in honor of Blake’s achievements thus far and encouragement for all his future endeavors, I, Mark Lamb, Mayor of the City of Bothell, to hereby declare April 11, 2007, as

Blake Lewis Day

See? City council business isn't always so stuffy.

The most interesting part of this story, at least for me, is that I went to school with Mark Lamb, the mayor of Bothell. We were in the same graduating class. And he's already running a city.

Just imagine: had I made different choices, I could be a mayor now. Not here in Las Vegas, obviously, but somewhere. And then I could address the city council by saying "There's a new sheriff in town." Oh wait, maybe I should just run for sheriff.

55 Fiction Friday notes that Washington has another finalist.

Story forthcoming.

Presidential all-stars

There's a special place in heaven where former U.S. Presidents get together. That's probably not surprising. But did you know that it's a basketball court?

The 2007 Presidents' Day All-Star Game
(sponsored by Philadelphia® brand cream cheese)

GRAND OLD TIMERS

Head Coach: Benjamin Franklin
Assistants: Alexander Hamilton, John Hancock, Jefferson Davis
Trainer: Clara Barton

Starters

Point Guard
James "Dolly Cart" Madison (5'4", Princeton)

Shooting Guard
Rutherford "B for Three" Hayes (5'8", Kenyon)

Small Forward
Grover "Nonconsecutive MVP" Cleveland (5'11", no college)

Power Forward
Chester "Cheetah" Arthur (6'2", Union)

Center
Abraham "Divider and Uniter" Lincoln (6'4", no college)

Reserves

James "Expansion" Polk (5'8" guard, North Carolina)
William "Tip-in" Harrison (5'8" guard, Hampden-Sydney) DNP-illness
Ulysses "The Odyssey" Grant (5'9" guard, Army)
James "Singleton" Buchanan (6'0" forward, Dickinson)
Andrew "Enforcer" Jackson (6'1" forward, no college)
George "Pops" Washington (6'2" forward, no college)
Thomas "White Chocolate" Jefferson (6'3" center, William and Mary)

Alternate (appointed by commissioner John Marshall)

James "The Doctrine" Monroe (6'0" forward, William and Mary)

20TH CENTURY FOXES

Head Coach: Thurgood Marshall
Assistants: Warren Burger, William Rehnquist, Louis Brandeis
Trainer: Jonas Salk

Starters

Point Guard
Harry "Buckstopper" Truman (5'9", no college)

Shooting Guard
Calvin "Silent Assassin" Coolidge (5'10", Amherst)

Third Guard
Theodore "Rough Rider" Roosevelt, Jr. (5'10", Harvard)

Power Forward
Ronald "Hollywood" Reagan (6'1", Eureka)

Center
Lyndon "Great Hoops Society" Johnson (6'3", Texas State)

Reserves

Dwight "Spike" Eisenhower (5'10" guard, Army) DNP-injury
Richard "Tricky" Nixon (5'11" guard, Whittier)
Herbert "Suction" Hoover (5'11" guard/forward, Stanford)
John "Playing Time 109" Kennedy (6'0" forward, Harvard)
Warren "Child Support" Harding (6'0" forward, Ohio Central)
William "Refrigerator" Taft (6'0" forward/center, Yale)
Franklin "Wheels" Roosevelt (6'2" center, Harvard)

Alternate (appointed by commissioner John Marshall)

Gerald "Wolverine" Ford (6'0" forward, Michigan)

Key Facts: Foxes reserve Richard Nixon leads the league in steals... The game will be played in the Teapot Dome for the first time since 1979... Al McGuire and Howard Cosell are the announcers... Former NBA star Tim Hardaway tells Miami press: "Based on what I heard, I wouldn't share a locker room with James Buchanan or Abe Lincoln"...

The NBA: it's Vegastic!

History is made this weekend -- no, not the BracketBusters again -- when the NBA brings its All-Star festivities to a non-franchise city, Las Vegas. The party league officially meets the party town. Yes, there's an influx of celebrity and tourism, but the event also brings a much needed hip-hop presence, and a lot more recreational activity than even this town is used to having in a single weekend:

Aladdin: Concerts with Nelly, Jermaine Dupri, Pharrell, Bow Wow, Chingy, Li'l Wayne, and T.I, plus appearances by Carmelo Anthony and actor/comedian Cedric the Entertainer.

Caesars Palace: Danity Kane performs in the Tangerine. At Pure, Nicky Hilton introduces her new fashion line, and engaged couple Tony Parker and Eva Longoria co-host a Saturday night event.

Empire Ballroom: This casino-less club across from the Monte Carlo offers parties hosted by LeBron James, actor/singer Jamie Foxx, and TNT commentator Kenny Smith.

Hard Rock: There's a performance by The Roots, and actor Nick Cannon hosts an old school hip-hop showcase. Charles Barkley hosts the official after-game party, while at Body English, Paris Hilton has her birthday celebration. Many diseases will be spread.

Ice Las Vegas: Allen Iverson and LeBron James headline the standalone club, and invite NFL players Terrell Owens and Michael Vick. Bring your own Sharpie.

Mandalay Bay: Dwyane Wade hosts a party at Rumjungle; also look for Twista, Ludacris, Shaquille O'Neal, and NFL stud LaDainian Tomlinson. At the House of Blues, there's music from Common and Ne-Yo, and comedy from Sarah Silverman and Charlie Murphy.

MGM Grand: The Black Eyed Peas perform at Tabu. Magic Johnson and actor LL Cool J host events at Studio 54.

Mirage: Follow party hosts Tracy McGrady and Lamar Odom at Jet, with Grandmaster Flash and Diddy. At Revolution Lounge, there's no basketball crossover when Mario "A.C. Slater" Lopez and Good Charlotte's Joel Madden host a Saturday event.

Orleans: The Black Eyed Peas (again) and comedian D.L. Hughley perform at the off-Strip casino, which usually attracts a Donny Osmond and Vicki Lawrence kind of crowd.

Palms: The "official host hotel" boasts Shaquille O'Neal and musical artists Akon, Diddy, and T.I.

Rio: Last night offered a kickoff party in VooDoo Lounge by a local All-Star, UNLV's own Shawn Marion. Prince performs in his Club 3121 all three nights this weekend.

Strip clubs aren't left out of the action. Dennis Rodman classes up Scores, I guess, while Sapphire has actor Tyrese Gibson. Finally, Seamless advertises "No celebrities. No players. Just hot chicks!" Well, the ones not trying to score an NBA player.

Despite the aforementioned flurry, I'll be avoiding the Strip. I'm not a big NBA follower -- the college game is more interesting and watchable -- and it doesn't help that the big sports story this week is the anti-gay tirade by Tim Hardaway, the last NBA player for whom I considered myself a big fan. Maybe he's still got "skillz," but I don't care for his homophobia, and I really don't care for his instant and meaningless apology.

Makes you wonder about the former Golden State Warriors player, though. What did the Bay Area ever do to Tim Hardaway?

55 Fiction Friday prefaces Monday's post with this:

Gerald Ford knew his chances were slim. Rookies rarely got selected, especially turnover prone players who lacked great individual stats.

Starters were more popular; reserves had more experience.
So he was stunned to be named a replacement by league commissioner John Marshall after Eisenhower went down.

Apparently, you can still tear knee ligaments in heaven.

When push comes to Shav

The pro sports world was mildly rocked with the news that retired NBA player John Amaechi will come out with a book in which he, um, comes out.

When retired athletes admit their sexuality, which is far too rare, there's always some criticism that they'd make a statement if they came out while still playing. What those critics fail to realize is that these athletes ARE making a statement by waiting until retirement. Essentially, they've decided that most pros are too small-minded to be ready for that announcement.

I don't know if Amaechi is saying that, but if he were, he wouldn't be wrong. Outsports has compiled a list of reactions from people in the league and the sports media. These quotes run the full range (rainbow?) from supportive to businesslike to dismissive to critical to ignorant. The best ones -- in a "did they really say that?" kind of way -- try to be supportive but end up sounding offensive, like this quote from former Duke player Shavlik Randolph:

"As long as you don't bring your gayness on me I'm fine. As far as business-wise, I'm sure I could play with him. But I think it would create a little awkwardness in the locker room."

Way to take a stand and represent the Duke blue, Shav. We save a little face thanks to Grant Hill:

"The fact that John has done this, maybe it will give others the comfort or confidence to come out as well, whether they are playing or retiring."

I searched the news in vain for a reaction from the even more quotable and diplomatic Shane Battier. Maybe he's working behind the scenes with Amaechi to develop some progressive grassroots support for the inevitable Battier presidential campaign.

Finally, a moderate kudos go to ESPN Books, which publishes Amaechi's book later this month. I realize that their decision isn't entirely altruistic -- sports books probably sell better when there's social controversy -- but they deserve some credit for looking past sports historians and die-hard fans in pursuing new audiences.

55 Fiction Friday thinks most locker room activity is kinda gay.

How could those Internet forum members burn me like that? After years of providing helpful information, some brash newcomers started casually dismissing me.

I posted my retaliatory missive, careful not to say anything personal that would get me banned. And then I waited.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

Nothing! Man, it's hard to deal with online anger.

Finally!

I've waited 32 years, but now Time magazine has named me its Person of the Year. I'll admit I lost heart in recent years, as the less worthy were recognized, like Dubya (twice!) and Bono.

I may be biased, but this was the right choice. More importantly, it's the right time. Am I the only one who noticed that I receive this honor in Brevity's first full year? Of course not; the staff of Time noticed.

Even beyond Brevity, I made great strides this year. I did not lose an election. I never once went negative in a campaign commercial. I've made no anti-Semitic remarks. None of my foibles have been recorded on video and uploaded to the Internet. And I wore underwear when I was out in public.

As a final note, yes, I would have preferred that the magazine actually included my name instead of being vague about it. I'll be sure to e-mail the editors and request a correction.

Your friendly neighborhood constable

My sister missed the early voting period and had to vote on Tuesday, like other mere mortals. So Monday night she was thumbing through a handy election guide. She stopped in the section for constables.

"You do know what a constable is, don't you?" I asked.
"I have no idea. What are constables?"
"The local law enforcement in charge of Shakespearean matters."

Live free or Diebold

I cast my ballot today, the last day of early voting here in Nevada. Now, when I ignore those campaign commercials this weekend, I have a very good reason.

One thing I forgot to do was check around the voting machine for a manufacturer name. It had a touch screen, and printed a paper copy so that voters can review their choices. This tells me two things: (1) technological tampering is less likely; and (2) Nevada isn't regarded as a swing state.

If voters like me have their way, soon you won't be allowed to smoke cigarettes inside most Nevada buildings, but you can smoke weed outside of them. Where's my Mary Jane, girls?

55 Fiction Friday leaves no vote counted.

The voting machine conglomerate had long ago caved to conservative interests. Interestingly, the technical support team had a secret affinity for blue states.

As expected, the Republican Party carried the day. Slightly more surprising were the names of the victors: Dick Cheney, governor of Ohio; Karl Rove, senator of Missouri; Jack Abramoff, representative of Pennsylvania...

X-President

It's nice to see former President Bill Clinton mutate into an angry Democrat, even if Chris Wallace isn't the first person that comes to mind when you think "nice little conservative hit job."

This could be the start of something special. With Clinton's ability to slice through right-wing agendas and quickly heal from barbs of criticism, he could be the next Wolverine. I would enjoy seeing what a set of adamantium claws could do to, say, Nancy Grace.

Story 69 September did not have sex with Michelle Malkin.

"The cigars were just the beginning. I used government
pens, SatCom phones, anything I could get my hands
on. And she was oh so willing. I was already the most
powerful man in the world, but I was quickly becoming
the most creative..."

"Mr. President, I must interrupt. We pride our bookstore
as a place for families. Could we move on to, say, the
Seattle WTO meeting?"

"I suppose."

Shed a tear, Natalie Maines

This is a difficult week to have a birthday. Mine was Wednesday, but how fun is it to celebrate 9/13? Aside from the terrorist attacks five years ago that killed 3,000 people, some high-profile deaths have occurred on or around my birthday: Tupac Shakur, Anthony Perkins, Raymond Burr, Beah Richards, and several men named John (Ritter, Cash, Unitas, and Ramone).

I was hoping for an uneventful birthday when I learned former Texas governor Ann Richards died Wednesday night. After getting over the shock -- I didn't know she had esophageal cancer -- I started to wonder if Karl Rove is feeling any pangs of guilt for engineering those homosexual rumors that defeated her, allowing his puppet candidate to begin an unlikely political career. Next I wondered if the media would remember to mention him. Salon did.

Finally, I wonder how we'll pay tribute to Ann Richards. She's often credited with this quote about Ginger Rogers; it's not her line, but she did make it famous. I don't think I can compete, but I will say this: the Dixie Chicks should never feel ashamed of this Texan.

Getting older and moving on. At least 55 Fiction Friday doesn't share a birthday with that pretentious Fiona Apple.

Violet veered from the script on live television. The candidate audibly groaned, clearly unraveled by her obscenity-filled rant about health care.

The incident, with its FDA and FCC undertones, provoked national debate.

For Violet, the issue was much simpler. He'd have plenty of moments on camera. But this was her first and last opportunity.

9/11 is not a joke

Much has already been written about 9/11, so I prefer approaching the subject from more obscure angles. Last year I addressed how it changed the otherwise timeless sci-fi genre. This year I'd like to address the tenuous relationship between 9/11 and humor.

Five years later, the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon remain one of those topics that Americans can never discuss with anything but reverence. Like the deaths of JFK, John Lennon, or (unfairly, because he doesn't deserve it) Kurt Cobain. Even faithful re-enactments like United 93 and World Trade Center have been met with a cool reception, as Americans just aren't ready to relive the day.

This makes 9/11 an extremely troubling subject for humorists. In a field where nothing is sacred, how do you address what many consider sacred? Most don't, and the few who try have come across as callous. A recent example: Ann Coulter, who considers herself a satirist, criticized an outspoken group of 9/11 widows as enjoying their husbands' deaths. She lost a lot of political capital, even among conservatives.

The humorlessness of 9/11 goes beyond the events of that day. A net of solemnity has been cast over other subjects: terrorism, armed forces, Islam, commercial flight. And I suppose that's fine. There are times where one needs to be serious, and an airport security checkpoint happens to be one of them. But there are also times for levity, and those moments are few and far between.

While the Bush administration has been successful in maintaining a national mood of anxiety and prickliness, the reason that we can't move on from 9/11 has little to do with politics. It's more a matter of history. Time heals all wounds, but open wounds take longer. It would help if America had some closure, in the form of neutralizing and eliminating Al-Qaeda's power and influence. But our nation has other enemies, some with well-financed support. The threat of future attacks is legitimate, and makes us justifiably edgy.

As a nation, we can't move on from 9/11 right now -- and should not be expected to do so -- because the tragedy is still fresh in our minds, and little can extinguish that. My theory is that we will never be ready, but future generations of Americans might. And maybe then can someone make light of 9/11 and succeed. To avoid controversy, though, they should wait until everyone who could be offended is long gone, and then add a few years to be on the safe side. Consider it the Rule Against Tragic Perpetuities.

Survivor: the amazing race?

Over the past few weeks, the CBS show Survivor has received all kinds of interesting publicity for its 13th season, which starts next Thursday. First came the announcement that the 20 contestants would be divided into four teams by race and ethnicity: white, black, Asian, and Latino. Then came the denouncement: NYC politicians spoke out against using segregation for ratings, and several advertisers pulled their sponsorship, either coincidentally or not. Here's a nice recap.

Frankly, I don't see the problem. As I understand it, teams get integrated as contestants are voted off; now the integration will be literal. Fans of Survivor know that early alliances ultimately are abandoned. Most importantly -- and I can't emphasize this enough -- 15 cast members will NOT be white.

That's... astounding. Especially for a top 20 show. To compare, look at another CBS series, The Class. It features 8 main characters who went to the same elementary school in 1986 and reunite 20 years later. And they're all white! Were there no minorities in school then? Truly pathetic, but far more indicative of the state of television, both behind and in front of the camera. (One notable and high-rated exception, Grey's Anatomy, has 5 minorities in its main cast of 11, which is a more sensible representation.)

If we followed the Survivor racial ratio, only 2 cast members in The Class would be white. That would be interesting; someday, it could happen. In the meantime, it's a little sad that only reality TV is willing to make ethnic diversity a part of TV reality.

55 Fiction Friday likes to mix it up a little.

Why couldn’t Ulrich accept this change? It’s not as though he was surprised this day would arrive. It was inevitable for those of such stature. Over the years, he had grown tall and sturdy in a sunny and fertile environment.

Graduation had come, and it was time for Ulrich to be uprooted. It’s only natural.

Primary irritant

This morning I voted in my first primary election. (For the record, I have voted on Election Days past, but had never exercised my civic duty before November.) I have no complaints about the process -- the voting location was close, convenient, and quick; no one was around to conduct a pesky exit poll; and there wasn't a hanging chad or dangling participle in sight. But I still wonder if the primaries actually mean anything.

As far as I can tell, primaries exist to take a long list of aspirants and whittle it down to a short list of contenders. The "winners" reflect the best ad campaigns; issues are immaterial. Here in Nevada, there's a candidate for lieutenant governor who cited illegal immigration as one of her core issues. (Never mind that she'd have no jurisdiction to do anything about it if she won.) Then there's the gubernatorial wannabe with the commercials decrying Nevada's rank as "dead last" among high school graduates who go to college. Hello? It's Nevada. Much of the middle class workforce is in the gaming industry, where salaries are quite generous and higher education is not necessary. Are voters so stupid as to be led by this empty rhetoric? Yes, I believe we are.

So who did I choose as my governor and lieutenant governor? Nobody. Because I registered as a nonpartisan voter, I wasn't allowed to vote in any race with a party affiliation. The upside of my independence is that I have one less question to answer upon my inevitable Supreme Court nomination. The downside is that I wasted my time this morning on a pointless primary.

The wonderful world of policy

I returned to Las Vegas Saturday evening. Dinner was served as The Wonderful World of Disney was broadcast on ABC. (Major flashback to my childhood.)

The movie was Lilo & Stitch, an endearing if unusual animated film. The Hawaiian sisters were arguing over the alien's fate.

LILO: He was an orphan and we adopted him! What about ohana?

NANI: He hasn't been here that long!

LILO: Neither have I. Dad said ohana means family.

[Nani stops]

LILO: Ohana means family. Family means...

TOGETHER: ...nobody gets left behind.

"Sounds like Bush's education policy," I said, garnering a few family chuckles. Ever the joke set-up artist, my sister asked if ohana was indeed the President's approach to education.

"Well, it was that or hakuna matata."

Primarily uncolorful

Once upon a time, politicians spoke their minds without the interference of consultants, and books about them were written anonymously. Then everything changed, as spontaneity was taken out of political messages, and the mystery was taken out of who wrote Primary Colors. Speaking of Joe Klein, I read his latest, Politics Lost. It's about the fine-tuning of Presidential campaigns since the mid-1970s, and how the right mix between candidate and message is so hard to achieve.

Invoking two sacred orators -- Harry Truman and Robert Kennedy -- Klein speaks fondly of a time when politicians were unafraid to show their flawed side in their speeches, and their audiences responded positively. While this local color still exists, it is often washed out by political handlers and focus groups.

Klein argues that Presidential elections are won by the side with the better campaign. This implies that there are no juggernauts in politics, and that, at some point in any election, the nation could really vote either way. (I refuse to believe that Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis had a chance.)

Eventually the author gets to the juicy stuff: what went wrong for the Democrats in 2000 and 2004. Basically, they did everything wrong. Al Gore tried to have it both ways: he disassociated himself from the Clinton presidency for character reasons, but still wanted to bask in its goodwill. His best campaign issues were unveiled too early in the campaign, and were often too erudite, even for the press. John Kerry tried to argue both ways. He was overhandled by a large number of people who didn't know him. His calculated choice not to respond to the lying Swift Boat veterans cost him dearly, and by the end he played right into the role of flip-flopper. That each Democrat still came within votes (or uncounted votes, depending on who you ask) of winning tells you how hard the Bush campaigns had to work to win.

The final chapter has little or nothing to do with the rest of the book: Klein lays out the follies of the Bush administration, and can't help but sound bitter. While it was nice to see a catalog of every morally reprehensible thing that was probably done, it came out of nowhere, and made the rest of the book less profound.

Maybe there are times when it's better to use anonymity.

Sold petrol

Dear American gasoline consumer,

I write this open letter on behalf of all the gasoline retailers out there. As a former station operator who escaped the business a few years ago, I am offended by the behavior of some of you. With the summer season upon us, it's time you learned a few things.

You have a right to complain about escalating gas prices. Also, I realize that, to you, the retail attendant is the most available representative of the oil industry. So it's easy to share your grief. But do you believe that's going to help? At best, the clerks at the counter will be sympathetic, and that's only if they aren't tired of hearing the customers complain.

Whining is one thing. Gas rage is quite another. Taking out your anger against the gas station attendants? Driving off without paying? Are you serious?

Let me try to explain this so that your tiny brain can understand. There is no relation between Big Oil and your local retailer. There are several points of distribution in between, so prices are high before gasoline gets to the retail level. The oil industry is greedy and shameless. Your local retailer is not; it ekes out pennies of profit per gallon, even less if purchased by credit card.

These stations make money from the sales of merchandise inside the store. Gasoline is essentially a loss leader. So when you drive off without paying, you've probably cost your local retailer an entire shift's worth of profit. Congratulations.

If you are upset about gas prices -- and you should be -- complain to Big Oil. Write each company. Ask your state government for amnesty on gasoline taxes. Demand that the federal government provide better oversight of vulnerable Gulf Coast refineries. Make the discussion of fuel alternatives a little less unpopular. Find out where the candidates stand before you vote in 2006 and 2008. But don't take it out on the gas station owner.

By the way, how many gallons did it take to fill up your car? 12? 15? 20, maybe? Your local retailer just bought 10,000 gallons. So keep that in mind, pay the clerk, and shut the hell up.

Sincerely,

Neel Mehta

Satire with a Z

I have a limited interest in American Idol. I don't enjoy the train wreck of early contestants, and start paying attention once the field is down to about 8 singers. By then, we see them struggle with theme weeks, iconic guests, and cruel voting realities. Favorite performer picks the wrong song? Say goodbye.

I've decided to address the show in a future post. It's on my mind now, having seen a sneak preview of American Dreamz Monday night. It's a satire, ostensibly about America's low approval of the Bush administration and high approval of a glorified talent show.

There's comedy gold to be mined from a re-elected President (Dennis Quaid) who realizes he has no identity because he's been fed opinions by his handlers (including a Cheney-esque Willem Dafoe). His resulting depression prompts a publicity blitz, leading up to a guest appearance in the finale of a red-hot pop idol show.

Meanwhile, a self-loathing version of Simon Cowell (Hugh Grant) rigs his show so that the boring contestants get weeded out. One finalist is a sweetheart type (Mandy Moore) that's as manipulative as he is. The film proceeds in an unusual direction, sacrificing political commentary to accentuate the dark side of stardom.

Of all the literary genres, satire is the trickiest. I took a class on it, and even Jonathan Swift missed a few targets. Historically, critics give movie satires the benefit of the doubt because the filmmakers tried to make some statement. I suspect they'll do the same here.

American Dreamz isn't bad, but I wished it were better.

Easter eggs

Easter Sunday is today, but the annual White House Easter Egg Roll takes place tomorrow. The South Lawn is opened up for hundreds of Americans too young to vote. For that reason alone, it's the last truly apolitical event left in Washington, D.C.

Attendees will be reminded that Laura Bush was once an educator, and can determine whether our President really behaves like a third grader. According to this Q&A, the celebrity factor is decent: Sasha Cohen, Jack Hanna, and Clinton Portis, among others. But what about other high-ranking officials in the administration?

Oh hell no. I mean, "The kids just roll their eggs across a lawn. It's not an Easter egg hunt, Mr. Vice President."

A less important Easter event takes place today in San Diego. A special meeting of Comic-Con (some comic book convention) is scheduled, where geeks pore over all the DVD releases of the past 12 months to find any hidden features.