Failed pickup lines in Hogwarts

Seven seems to be the magic number:

"I could introduce you to Dobby, if you're interested."
"Expelliarmus, baby. You can't resist Severus Snape."
"On the Marauder's Map, I have a really big... icon."
"Here, sample my stash of -- oh wait, that's gillyweed."
"Accio seduction music!"
"Ooh, the Head Girl of Hufflepuff. You must be good at [censored]."
"So tell me... is there a Mr. McGonagall?"

Variations and contributions are welcome. Try not to get too dirty.

The All-Hogwarts team

More on the actual NCAA tournament later. Some fun for now.

Last year's All-Simpsons team was so successful that I decided to try another approach. Here are my choices for the All-Hogwarts team, tracking down the players who share a name with characters in the Harry Potter series of books. The team is led by co-MVPs Drew Lavender and Derrick Brown, both of Xavier.

FIRST TEAM

Derrick "Lavender" Brown, Xavier
DeAndre "Lee" Jordan, Texas A&M
Drew Lavender "Brown", Xavier
Steffphon "Peter" Pettigrew, Western Kentucky
Will "Dean" Thomas, George Mason

SECOND TEAM

Keegan "Katie" Bell, Vanderbilt
Austin "Angelina" Johnson, Oklahoma
Rockwell "Alastor or Mad-Eye" Moody, St. Joseph's
David "Harry" Potter, Clemson
Surry "Oliver" Wood, UNC

HONORABLE MENTION (not in the NCAA tournament)

Michael "Professor" Binns, Fordham
Jeremy "Barty" Crouch, Bradley
Darin "Hermione" Granger, Evansville
Rahmon "Mundungus" Fletcher, Wisconsin-Green Bay
Phillip "Gilderoy" Lockhart, Jackson State

Nevada Kedavra

I've collected thoughts on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which I finished sometime earrrrly Wednesday morning. Bottom line: while I did not love it -- as the last installment describing a mostly self-contained universe, it was the only book that had to measure up to our expectations, and it fell short of mine -- I keep going back to it and re-reading chapters. So that's something.

As always here at Brevity, I'll leave the spoilers, starting with my reaction, in the comments section. Also see the small discussion over at Quinn the Brain, and a large forum at Phantom Scribbler. But don't forget to speak your peace here; like Professor Snape at the Yule Ball, I get lonely...

Weasley is no king

Warming up for tonight's advanced screening of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, I watched some of the earlier films in the series on ABC Family this weekend. (While I have them on DVD, I'm still just not an On Demand kind of person.) I noticed that despite new directors and screenwriters, and an ever-expanding cast of British talent, one thing remains the same: when compared to the books, the films do a huge disservice to Ron Weasley.

Much of this is Rupert Grint's fault. I don't know if he's a bad actor -- that kind of thing can be so subjective -- but he pales in comparison to his co-stars. His version of Ron comes across as too timid, and loyal in a mostly impetuous way. I can forgive this interpretation for the first few films, but Ron Weasley is supposed to blossom into a fully formed part of the Harry/Ron/Hermione triumvirate by now, and it's just not happening.

There's also the indirect harm to Ron Weasley caused by what the writers and directors choose to do with Grint. I once read that Prisoner of Azkaban director Alfonso Cuarón asked the three principals to write an essay about their characters. Emma Watson wrote some 13 pages about Hermione, Daniel Radcliffe was concise about Harry, and Grint neglected to turn anything in. Maybe that's why Hermione gets to speak lines that Ron says in the book, like making a courageous defense of Harry in the Shrieking Shack.

As for movie #5, I liked it but didn't love it. Hitting on all the major points of the series' mythology, it comes across as a bit of a Cliffs Notes version. My sister was bothered by the film's choice to definitively assign the prophecy to Harry Potter (she always liked how it could just as easily been describing Neville Longbottom). I was bothered by its kid-glove handling of Harry, who in the book is a less likable, sullen teenager by now, but is made too noble here. By comparison, Dumbledore is too lawyerly in how he interacts with Harry, and at times comes across as a bit of an ass.

Watching the film, you get the idea that director David Yates and writer Michael Goldenberg were too concerned with staying within the Gospel of J.K. Rowling and less willing to leave things open to interpretation. For example, you see the jealousy of Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright) in regards to Harry's interaction with Cho Chang (Katie Leung), clearly foreshadowing what happens in book 6. But no mention is made of the keepsake in the Black household that gets stolen in book 5 and is believed by some readers to be a horcrux for the purposes of book 7.

I imagine that most discussions of this movie will deal with what the movie left out (and you're welcome to do so in the comments), so I'll address what the film got right: Evanna Lynch and Imelda Staunton were outstanding casting choices for Luna Lovegood and Dolores Umbridge, respectively. Remember how Kenneth Branagh aced his portrayal of Gilderoy Lockhart in the second movie? Staunton is at least as good at nailing her role here. The other new addition is Tim Burton's corpse bride, Helena Bonham Carter, who has the right look for Bellatrix Lestrange but speaks few lines.

The best thing the film does is take advantage of the visualization of Harry's memories -- a major plot point in the book -- by recalling scenes from the previous four movies, and even play around with them a little. The best involves the use of Severus Snape and the mirror of Erised... I won't say more.

Petty in pink

Some official production stills of next summer's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix have emerged and been posted on the Web. Among other places, find them here. I need to reread the book because I don't recall Dolores Umbridge being so flowery:

55 Fiction Friday eagerly looks forward to watching Extreme Makeover: Hogwarts Edition.

Waking up alone and later than usual, Xena found only a tear-stained scroll.

Her scholarly blonde companion wrote the truth: the warrior princess shared what she knew, but not what she felt, so the apprenticeship was over.

Xena wasn't one to mope. She remembered what her therapist said and got back on the horse.

Pure escapism

Life matters again as Prison Break begins its second season tonight. The bad news is that I'll have to record it. The good news is that I should be attending an advanced screening of Idlewild.

Speaking of escapism, what happened to Snakes on a Plane? I don't think I've ever been so far off in estimating a movie's popularity. I thought it would clear $40 million this weekend, easily. It made around $15 million.

Snakes on a plane! Screw the box office -- the title's still awesome.

Even if you add in the $10 million for Accepted -- I assume that many people bought tickets for that PG-13 movie, then slithered into a Snakes screening room -- that's still only $25 million. This may be the first time I've ever been disappointed that American viewers didn't go see something so craptacular.

Snakes on a plane! Go see it next weekend, or I'm calling for a draft.

Finally, a little Kal Penn news: he's joining the cast of 24. The bad news is that he may be playing a terrorist. The good news is that, on 24, assumptions are often wrong. But then, we already saw the suspected terrorist who turns out to be a good guy in Season 2. More on 24 and the Emmy Awards later this week.

Snape's on a plane! Thanks, APL.

Who moved my wand?

My Harry Potter week coincided with Lumos 2006, an academic symposium held in Las Vegas this weekend for fans of the book series. I didn't attend -- knew nothing about it until it was sold out, and lacked the time anyway -- but I did notice that Dr. Tom Morris lectured on "The Amazing Practical Wisdom of Harry Potter."

I'd feel jealous if I hadn't already read his book, If Harry Potter Ran General Electric. It's not so much speculation of how a teenage wizard would chair a Muggle corporation as it is a thesis on how J.K. Rowling's books provide good examples of leadership and innovation.

Not surprisingly, Morris spends much of the book pointing out the strong leadership qualities of Albus Dumbledore, who leads by example and inspires the kind of loyalty that CEOs dream of.

Harry, in turn, develops his own leadership skills by emulating the headmaster, adopting a sense of ethics and earning the respect of his fellow students despite his own adolescent flaws.

The book is both business management theory and literary scholarship, and it performs both roles well. Sadly, though, it never answers the question: how many Muggles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I should mention that Morris previously wrote If Aristotle Ran General Motors. So he has the makings of a pretty good book series. Now what? I suggest future titles:

If Wolverine Ran Gillette

If Calista Flockhart Ran Hormel

If Plato Ran Play-Doh

If Captain Jack Sparrow Ran Napster

If Abraham Lincoln Ran Enron

If Magic Johnson Ran Magic Johnson Theatres

If Dracula Ran the American Red Cross

If Legolas Ran Sephora

If Lady Godiva Ran Godiva

If Jean-Luc Picard Ran General Foods International Coffees*

* I know it's obscure, but can anyone explain the connection in this last title? The first reader to do so will receive 100,000 Brevity points.

They might be wizards

It's Harry Potter week here at Brevity, for reasons beyond my control. Last weekend was "Harry Potter Day for Adults." (I went. Without an invisibility cloak, mind you.) This weekend I promise to review the book I'm reading, If Harry Potter Ran General Electric. And tonight I attended a free concert of the band Harry and the Potters (with opening act Draco and the Malfoys).

Setting aside the legal issues for a moment -- see Author's Note below -- it was an interesting experience. In the books, Draco always seems a bit jealous of Harry's unearned fame. The same holds true here, as the opening act was the better band.

Draco and the Malfoys are guitarists in Slytherin ties who have a 1950s surf rock sound to accompany their lyrics, which are pretty funny. Song titles include "Voldemort is Awesome" and "Hippogriffs Deserve to Die." A highlight of the set is "99 Death Eaters," sung to the tune of "99 Luftballoons."

Harry and the Potters are two brothers whose energy makes up for their lack of comparable songwriting talent. (Interestingly, one of the Malfoys changed into a Gryffindor tie and played drums. He's like the Dave Grohl of the wizarding world.) They think they're punk, but sound more like a ska version of They Might Be Giants.

Many of their songs take under a minute to perform. I felt like I was watching Calhoun Tubbs: "Harry Potter: wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes..."

The main act also benefits from some marketing magic, with T-shirt slogans like "My guitar is a horcrux" and "Save Ginny Weasley." I was tempted to purchase, but then thought better of it.

Author's Note: look for a future post entitled "The law of tribute bands." Seriously.

Best geek ever

For a change of pace this weekend, I attended a free class entitled "Harry Potter Day for Adults." It was terribly geeky and somewhat uncomfortable -- who knew Hogwarts didn't enforce deodorant use? -- but interesting enough for me to stick around.

I arrived late and was scolded by the not-quite-Umbridge lecturer. Given the opportunity, I'm sure she would dock some points from my Hogwarts house, but I didn't see a sorting hat, and, like Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the points don't matter.

Taking a blank name tag, I wrote "Hello! I'm R.A.B." and sat down. We worked quickly, devoting 10-15 minutes per class. Divination, Runes, and Herbology were among the many subjects.

I saw a lot of people there that I wouldn't necessarily want on my Quidditch team. ("Angelina Johnson" was cute, but she and "Katie Bell" kept to themselves.) Some of them were in their 20s and early 30s, but many in the class were much older.

As guest speaker, we had a woman who worked at a local tantric institute. She wore a purple velvet dress that tied in the front, and had a shock of whitish hair, much like Rogue. A bit of a new age babe, actually, once you get past the overacting and the hyena laugh. I wanted to ask her if she knew Sting.

I suffered through lame book 7 theories and indoor Quidditch approximations to experience the main event: a Triwizard Tournament, which amounted to a group game of Scene It?. I wasn't as dominant with the trivia as I had hoped, but I did okay.

Turns out many of the participants were part of some Harry Potter reading group that meets regularly. I could see doing this once a year, but every month is just too geeky. Even for me.

The disappearing act

It was reported yesterday that engineering researchers at Duke University -- go Devils! -- have developed a workable blueprint for an invisibility cloak. They anticipate the technology can be applied to many industries, but mostly they just want to wear the cloak around the lab and look surprised.

And all this time I was waiting for Duke's administration to make the men's lacrosse scandal disappear.

55 Fiction Friday wishes David Blaine would just vanish already.

Felicia started her brilliant career boiling pasta at an Italian bistro. Gradually, she worked her way out of the kitchen and into management. She’s now a consultant for a restaurant chain, where she develops ideas for the advertising division.

In a way, not much has changed. Felicia’s still tossing things up, and seeing what sticks.

Quick question

Why is Ron Weasley on the cover of Rolling Stone?

The future of Hogwarts

The advertising has been subtle, but Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire hits the big screen this weekend. In honor of this occasion, McSweeney's has posted a short but disturbing list of "Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series."

55 Fiction Friday's boggart is an interminable seminar with lectures by Marcel Proust, Leo Tolstoy, and Peter Jackson.

As political third parties go, the Literalist Party showed potential. Its candidate spoke plainly, delivered speeches that quickly came to the point, and never made a promise he couldn’t keep. And the results were evident: he gained in the latest polls. But things got messy when campaign strategists carelessly suggested that he press the flesh.

How 9/11 changed sci-fi

Rather than making a traditional solemn anniversary comment -- you can read those pretty much anywhere -- I thought I'd discuss something different.

9/11 drastically altered how the Western world saw itself and others. But what I find interesting is that the sci-fi genre, one which I would normally consider to be timeless, escapist, and therefore unaffected by current events, has also been subtly changed.

Books 5 and 6 of the Harry Potter series -- the ones written after 2001 -- can be read as commentaries on the present-day political climate. In fact, this thread sets out a few striking examples. Dolores Umbridge is like the bad Presidential appointee who won't go away; even when removed from Hogwarts, she keeps her place in the Ministry of Magic. Stan Shunpike, the Knight Bus driver, may as well have been sent to Guantanamo Bay, seeing as how his unfounded arrest was only made to allow the clueless Ministry to keep up appearances. The Weasley family locator, which I once mocked here, has now become a charmed variant of the color-coded terror alert. "Dire peril," indeed. And don't get me started on the Ministry's memo on how wizards should protect themselves and their family; apparently, I wasn't the only one looking for the words "duct tape."

The final installment of Star Wars is no different. While the original trilogy had no Nixonian influences I know of, and if anything inspired some of Reagan's politics, the newer trilogy was very much a product of George Lucas' worldview. Forget the name Nute Gunray for a moment, but notice this tool has slipped through the cracks of accountability like a true bureaucrat to stay in power. The Trade Federation is basically a highly empowered and politically embedded lobby, like Big Tobacco on the intergalactic level. By the second film we become aware of the rift between the Jedi and the Senate, which is basically analogous to the tenuous separation of church and state. And then there's Anakin:

"If you are not with me, then you are my enemy."

Could any leader in the real world be so brazenly simple-minded in delineating good from evil? Oh wait, ours did:

"Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

And speaking of Dubya, isn't he a great character? I'm not alone in thinking that. Long-time reader Kristy warned me that in the recent Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie, Sam Rockwell plays galaxy leader Zaphod Beeblebrox as a George Bush-type character. I've seen the film and I agree. In some respects it's a lazy shortcut in character development -- oh, we get it, rich kid gets plum job to society's detriment -- but it's damn effective.

Finally, I should mention this article which cites 9/11 as part of the inspiration for the new wave of sci-fi shows this fall TV season. It's interesting that not just the Law & Order shows can be ripped from the headlines.

The easy answer for why science fiction seems to convey a reaction to 9/11 is that its authors, much like anyone else, are affected by it. That it's a natural result of the adage "write what you know." I'm not satisfied. I think the reason 9/11 and the resulting war on terror have creeped into science fiction is because these recent events are like a fresh take on traditional sci-fi themes: clear victims, unclear villains with alien methodologies, ineffective leadership, sacrificial heroes, and the strange lure of mindless drones to a sinister cause. We're told the folks of al-Qaeda are bad, and that we should trust the forces of good to eventually put them away. The war on terror is a serious, complicated issue, and yet our President never treats it as such. He treats it like science fiction.

I'm just hoping the inevitable twist at the end works in our favor.

A real legal wiz

Having read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I couldn't help but notice that J.K. Rowling's wizarding world could benefit from some legal assistance. While the creative use of a house elf cleared up a potential inheritance squabble, there are other unique problems that would require a lawyer. I believe I can help.

1. The screamer. To establish defamation, you must prove that a defamatory statement about you was published and injured your reputation. But what if you were Ron Weasley, and the statement was made in a screaming note from your mother that was delivered by owl? By definition, third parties will hear such libelous remarks. As a separate issue, we must determine whether or not the wizarding world keeps any immunities for intrafamily actions. (Given that Bellatrix Lestrange killed her cousin, probably not.)

2. Uneducated use of spells. The plaintiff in this tort action, Draco Malfoy, argues that the defendant's intent was established because he knew that shouting "Sectumsempra!" while brandishing a wand will likely result in something bad, even if the defendant does not know exactly what.

3. The Weasley family locator. Again with the Weasleys. Does this charmed household device, which monitors the whereabouts of all family members at all times, invade any right of privacy? My client Percy Weasley seems to think so. Now estranged from the family, he works diligently for the Ministry of Magic on several matters of national security, and yet any visitor to his previous residence will always know where he is. Please note that my client's claim can be distinguished from the Marauder's Map case, which we all know was dismissed for a lack of service of process.

4. Fangirl rights. At issue is whether teenage female readers of the series have any rights to control the future actions of any of the books' male characters. Specifically, can a girl get Harry Potter to marry her? This question was answered by case precedent; in Jones v. Estate of Austen, a London court ruled that fictional characters could only be given "love reassignments" in authorized, published works. So there. And no amount of begging will reinstate Oliver Wood to the Quidditch team, as he has already graduated.

5. The Unbreakable Vow. Yeah, right. Is it in writing?

Gone quidditchin'

Classrooms will be empty Monday, with all the cool kids skipping school to stay home and read for leisure. Or something like that.


Otters are already funny, but a bespectacled one is irresistible. Hairy Otter, I hope you find a copy with laminated pages.

Like a Canadian Hogwarts

Like death and taxes, rain in the Pacific Northwest is a sure thing. We'd managed to avoid any significant downpour the entire trip, but Friday morning was a bit on the cold and damp side. Fortunately, we did the outdoor stuff Thursday, and could work a relaxed travel schedule.

First up was brunch, in the local restaurant chain White Spot. Unimpressive. My burger lacked structural integrity and was heavy on the mayo-esque sauce. And their near-5-dollar milkshake was probably not of Jack Rabbit Slims quality.


Vancouver has a tented Shakespeare festival called Bard on the Beach that begins the first week of June. We came to catch the first show, As You Like It, but later in the season (starting July 13) the troupe puts on productions of Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. While the concept of seeing both plays the same day is thrilling enough, what makes it particularly cool is that the same actors play Hamlet, Polonius, Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius, etc. But the icing on the cake is that the actor who plays Rosencrantz in one becomes Guildenstern in the other, and vice versa. And I thought Crabbe and Goyle were confusing.

Speaking of Hogwarts, we discovered the Canadian equivalent on the uniforms worn by about half of our matinee audience. They attended the Mulgrave School, which is actually divided into four house teams. (Seriously. Click the link.) The students provided an interesting perspective to this show, which was heavy on the girl-girl kissing and homoerotic man-wrestling. Of course, in this crowd, you couldn't see a codpiece or hear the word "ass" without a few unstifled giggles. The actress who plays the cross-dressing heroine Rosalind -- Lara Gilchrist -- has that look of someone who is bound for bigger things, seeing as how our TV shows stateside have placed a premium on Canadian ingenues in their quest to find the next, say, Evangeline Lilly.

After the show we drove south to the Kitsilano district, where stumbled upon another Cobs Bread location. We couldn't resist. Their spinach and feta cheese croissant is such a simple marvel.

To wrap up our trip we dined on coupon-friendly fondue dessert at Inlets Bistro in the nearby Blue Horizon Hotel and late night appetizers at our hotel's jazz bar, and sandwiched a visit to the Pacific Centre in between. All in all, time well spent.


Next year: the fully planned Smallville tour. Failing that, a Degrassi tour.

HOLDEN: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
BANKY: I got a weird thing for chicks who say "aboot."

The cinematic horizon

I've been known to watch a lot of movies. That's changed in recent years, partly because I'd been spoiled on cheap St. Louis prices, and partly because I used to live alone. Here, with my family in Las Vegas, I've gotten a lot more finicky. We've managed free passes to a few sneak previews -- In Good Company, Bride and Prejudice, and Sahara come to mind. Also, the nearest theater shows second-run movies, and by the time they get a movie I'm already in the queue for the greatest DVD service available: the Las Vegas public library system. Like Netflix and Blockbuster, only free.

A lot of movies get released in a year. Throw out all the horror movies that arrive weekly, and there's still a lot. But the following 12 are ones I might just catch on a big screen, in order of interest:

1. Star Wars Episode III. Was there any doubt? This series belongs to our generation, not to the videogamers younger than us with the short attention span. Truth be told, the original trilogy has its flaws, but we forgive and forget. The modern trilogy is inferior in most ways, but to expect otherwise is unrealistic. Our understanding of this final installment is simple. We know what happens before and after. We know who has to die. But we don't know an exact timeline, and a lot can be crammed into 2.5 hours. The enjoyment of this film won't come from its ending, but from its details. Personally, I'd like to know how one constructs a new lightsaber. (May 19)

2. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Okay, this series belongs to the younger ones, but if they can strain their backs on an 800-page book, then I'll be happy as a secondary fan. I don't have a major complaint about any of the first three movies, and with the subplot of house elf rights kept to a minimum, I'll probably enjoy this one too. Plotwise it's the strangest in the book series, so here's hoping they have some fun with the format. Bonus points in adding Ralph Fiennes and Miranda Richardson to this British hall of fame casting. (November 18)

3. Bee Season. See, they're not all blockbusters. This is the first of two films on this list that are based on books about being Jewish in New York City, which is surprising, because the only thing that's a bigger turnoff for me in the reading world is an endorsement from Oprah's Book Club. But I liked this book about a second-born child finding an intelligence niche in spelling bees, and am curious to see what Juliette Binoche and Richard Gere will do in the roles of her parents. (September 30)

4. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Assume the rumors in the tabloids are true. Assume the hookup is inevitable. Assume we'll get tired of reading about Brad and Angelina by mid-summer. Won't matter. This film has too much going for it to be the next Gigli. (Side note: I saw that movie eventually, and it deserved a better fate. It should have died more quietly.) Plus, Doug Liman did Swingers, Go, and The Bourne Identity, which makes him a near-lock as a director who makes fun, interesting movies. (June 10)

5. Elizabethtown. Normally a new Cameron Crowe movie would top a list, but I didn't like most of Almost Famous (though I liked Frances McDormand) and Vanilla Sky (though I liked Kurt Russell). Add to that the fact that I've been to the title town just south of Louisville, and am unsure what's so cinematic about it. So now it's #3. Kirsten Dunst is the lead? Yeah, #5. (October 14)

6. Batman Begins. For me at least, a new Batman film might get a little lost in the shuffle. The cast, save Katie Holmes, looks promising. (Aren't there any good actresses under 30?) The film was shot in London and Chicago, which should make it look a lot more gritty and gray than sleek and black (Tim Burton) or day-glo and homoerotic (Joel Schumacher). And if we can accept an American as Bridget Jones, we'll be fine with a Brit as Bruce Wayne. (June 17)

7. Walk the Line. It will be marketed as this year's Ray, but I'm hoping it's a little more cohesive. The pitch: Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon and Johnny and June Carter Cash. I can't imagine it being very crowd-pleasing, but here's hoping people will watch it because it might actually be good. (November 18)

8. Fantastic Four. Oh, this could totally suck. But I think I'm entitled to one potentially brainless actionfest in a summer full of franchises and classic TV adaptations. And the trailer seems to deliver. Also, Jessica Alba plus superhero spandex equals fundamentally watchable. (July 8)

9. Bewitched. Once again, Nicole Kidman's nose merits special attention in the production department. A natural twitch would be nice, but if not, spend the money on realistic CGI. I don't know what to do with Will Ferrell as Darren, but the metareality concept of the film sounds promising. Plus, Shirley MacLaine is Endora, and it'll be nice to see Stephen Colbert and Amy Sedaris on the big screen without actually having to watch the Strangers with Candy movie. (June 24)

10. The Brothers Grimm. Don't know much about it, but the pedigree is nice: Matt Damon and Heath Ledger are the title duo, and Terry Gilliam directs. Plus, it has Monica Bellucci, and if I can sit through half of The Matrix Reloaded for her, I can look forward to this. (July 29)

11. Everything is Illuminated. The other Jewish New York story on this list, based on the book by Jonathan Safran Foer. I haven't read it, but I am currently reading his second, Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close, which is pretty interesting so far. From what I can tell, for this film Elijah Wood plays the author, whose (autobiographical?) story about finding the woman who saved his grandfather in the Ukraine during WWII is dramedy of significant vintage. I'm not sure how I feel about having a Hobbit on this list, but maybe he's trying to outgrow that. (August 12)

12. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I saved the riskiest for last. I have a hunch the material was handled correctly, but there are so many ways this film can screw it up. It needs to be more funny than quirky, more intelligent than aloof, and mostly harmless. (April 29)

Honestly, I don't really care to see War of the Worlds or King Kong, could wait on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and consider a The Dukes of Hazzard movie entirely inessential. But I'm always open to suggestions. Any films looming on your horizon?